Not About Being Heroic
by viiisenya
Summary: Six months have passed since the end of the war and life has moved on, except for one ex-ranger who continues to isolate himself in the past. Though he still does his job as newly appointed Marshal, nobody has heard from Herc. Concerned, Raleigh decides to confront Herc on his sudden distant behavior and finds out that things are much more worse than he imagined. POST-CANON


|| POST-CANON || also references details from the novelization -  
|| _content warning: death (spouse, brother, son, friend), cancer, cigarettes, food, not eating, family abandonment - proceed at your own discretion ||_

**AN: **This looked a lot better in a word document. Anyways, this long ass one-shot was based on two headcanons my best friend and I combined together. We then collaborated to make this beaut. I'm a bit rusty in the writing department considering this is the first thing I've written seriously and is publishing for the first time in almost four years so go easy on me y'all. Regardless, I hope you guys enjoy it.

* * *

The PPDC was as busy as it's always been, despite the fact that the war had been over for almost half a year. After a meeting with the United Nations, they had been easily swayed to continue funding the PPDC in an attempt to further the research founded by Dr. Gottlieb and Dr. Geiszler. The world was keen on knowing the truth about the kaiju. What were they? Where did they come from? Why did this happen? _Would it ever happen again?_

They memorialized the war and it became known as mankind's greatest victory. Monuments of Jaegers were built worldwide to commemorate the pilots who died protecting their world and several universities had also begun adding _The Kaiju War_ to their curriculum. Documentaries were made depicting the same story that everyone knew and the ending they all loved. The war became the most talked about event for five months running and was just beginning to fall in and out of news headlines.

Inconsistencies in the global reports of the war were bound to happen, though none of them were much of a bother to Raleigh. Most of the time they were getting the names of Jaegers wrong or mixing up the pilots, and those were more things for him to laugh about rather than annoyances. Raleigh had declined every invitation to appear on national television. He felt it was unnecessary and figured he could put his time towards doing more productive things at the Shatterdome anyways. It wasn't until he watched the news one evening that a particular news station's depiction of the war began to bother him.

"_Ral, do you see what they're saying about you on the news?_" His sister's voice buzzed from the other end of the line. After the war and before returning back to work at the Shatterdome, Raleigh took a break so that he could be with his sister again. The last time he ever saw her was before he and Yancy went off to join the Jaeger academy, but after that they lost contact. She had grown up to look so much like their mother. They spent a week together in their childhood home until Raleigh was called up to return to the Shatterdome. They talked more now than they did before though; about Yancy and their mother, how the war affected him and what it was like to pilot a Jaeger. They never mentioned their father.

"Yeah, I'm watching it right now," he replied. He heard Jazmine sigh on the other end of the line and he could have sworn he also heard her rolling her eyes at what the newscasters were saying. '_Raleigh Becket, pilot of Gipsy Danger, Sole Surviving War Hero_' was gliding across the bottom of the TV screen.

"_In response to your question, Mike, I absolutely do believe that Raleigh Becket was the hero of the war. He was the one who came up with the brilliant idea to detonate his nuclear-powered Jaeger once he got into the Breach. He is without a doubt the savior of the world, if I do say so myself, and he deserves so much more respect and credit than we have been giving him. We owe it all to him_," a stocky, pale-faced man said with fiery conviction.

"_'Kaiju War expert'? What a load of shit,_" Jazmine said. Raleigh hadn't noticed that he had clenched his jaw during the man's talk. He released the tension and let out a sigh.

"It's okay, Jaz, I'll take care of it," Raleigh told his sister after turning off the TV. It seemed as though his streak of press avoidance was finally going to break.

…

"Mr. Becket, it's an absolute pleasure to have you on tonight," the blonde newscaster chirped. He faked a smile as he shifted uncomfortably in the leather seat. Seventy-five faces from the audience gleamed up at him in awe. He was beginning to regret his decision in that moment, but knew he had to follow through with it. They gave him one final round of applause.

"So Mr. Becket, I'd like to start with a few questions, if you don't mind," she said through a thick red and white smile. Raleigh took in a deep breath and sat forward.  
"Actually, I didn't come here to answer any questions," he began. Her cheery facade dropped in that second, though she caught herself quite quickly. "I just wanted to clear up a misconception your news station has been spreading. If you don't mind."

"No, not at all," the newscaster said with forced courtesy. Raleigh gave her a small smile and shifted his body to face the camera ahead of him.  
"I came here tonight to tell you all that I am not _the_ hero of the Kaiju War. I am _one_ of the Kaiju War heroes. I didn't come up with the idea to bring the nuclear bomb to the Breach; it was Marshal Stacker Pentecost who thought of it. It was also his idea for us to detonate Gipsy once we got into the Breach," he paused to look among the crowd. They were silent.

"My copilot, Mako Mori, deserves the most credit because she was the backbone of our operation. I might have detonated Gipsy, but Mako was the one who got us into the Breach, so please don't exclude her from your news reports. It takes two to pilot a Jaeger, and I wouldn't have been able to do it without her.

"So if you're going to talk about war heroes, you've got to include the real ones. Stacker Pentecost, Mako Mori, and Chuck Hansen were all part of the mission. Marshal Pentecost and Chuck sacrificed themselves so that Mako and I could get into the Breach. They're _not_ honored as much as they should be. The three of them did the most work out of us all to end the war, as well as the brave men and women who worked hard at the Shatterdome. If you're going to honor war heroes, honor the right ones. Because in the end, all I did was fall."

Raleigh gave one last glance to the newscaster, raising the corner of his mouth to form respectful smile. He stood up and bowed his head a little before exiting the stage. The applause that followed him was almost deafening.

…

It was raining outside as he approached the plane that would take him back to the Shatterdome. Before his televised 'interview', Raleigh had been spending the week in New York discussing the K-Science department's advancements with scientist representatives from the United Nations. Raleigh was awful at explaining the technical terms of the PPDC's findings and most of the meetings were spent with him flipping through his poorly constructed notes. The UN complained often of the PPDC's nerve to send ex-rangers as ambassadors for their meetings and insisted to meet with Marshal Hansen instead, or at the least Dr. Gottlieb and Dr. Geiszler. Raleigh's response was the same every time; "I'm sorry, but I haven't talked to the Marshal since the war ended."

It was half a lie at most. He truly hadn't spoken to Herc in a while but it'd been four months since they last spoke at all. Tendo was the one who gave orders in place of Marshal Hansen, and was eager to relay any messages Raleigh had for him. Each trip he made back to the Shatterdome was fruitless in meeting with Herc. He didn't question it the first three months, though after the fourth he was beginning to worry.

As the plane touched down onto the Shatterdome's base, Raleigh concluded he would get to the bottom of whatever it was that had Herc hiding himself from the world. It was early in the morning when Raleigh stepped out of the plane, and the sun was just creeping over the horizon to breathe light and warmth onto his skin. Despite the time, the Shatterdome was still bustling with activity.

"Welcome back to the Shatterdome, Mr. Becket," a familiar voice called to him. Focusing his attention toward the entrance of the dome, Raleigh's heart swelled with content as his eyes met Mako's. She stood there with a delicate smile strung across her lips and began advancing towards him; they met each other halfway.

Raleigh felt at home and was comforted upon being in the presence of Mako again. The last time they saw each other had been about two months ago, though they talked every day even if it was for ten minutes. After the war, their conversations were strained and often times one of them would bring up their last deployment and neither of them could continue on with the conversation. They both agreed it was necessary not to see each other for a while so that they would be able to take themselves out of the past completely. Mako had been the one more comfortable with the decision.

"Mako," he said finally after a long moment of silence.

"You've got nothing else to say?" Mako asked. Raleigh grinned and bent his head to get a better look at her.

"How have you been?" He tried, a smile breaking across his lips again. He must've looked like an idiot with that grin on his face.

"Okay. How have you been?" She replied. Raleigh gave a shrug as he adjusted his backpack that was slung across his shoulder. They fell into another silence that scratched at his spine. He knew that silences were common between copilots, especially ones who drifted as strong as he and Mako did, but it still left him unnerved.

"We should go inside," Mako suggested and he nodded. The two of them headed towards the entrance, their footsteps squeaking along the wet floor. Their coats brushed against each other as they continued down the hall. Through their silence, he glanced over at her but she kept staring ahead.

"Have you seen the Marshal lately?" Raleigh asked just as they rounded a corner. Mako looked up at him and they stared at each other for a moment before she shook her head.

"I have not. Why?" She replied. Stopping in front of their rooms, Raleigh frowned.

"When's the last time you saw him?" He asked. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other as he watched Mako make the calculations in her head.

"Four or five months ago, I'm not sure. Why are you asking?" Raleigh wrinkled his nose.  
"You don't think it's weird that you haven't seen the Marshal in a while? I mean, I haven't seen him in that long either. I haven't even talked to him directly. Don't you think that's weird?" Raleigh asked.

"I never thought much of it," she confessed. "What do you mean you haven't talked to him directly?" Raleigh raised his shoulders in a small shrug.

"Every time I call him, Tendo picks up. Tendo gives me my commands and whenever I ask if I can talk to Herc, he always says some shit like, 'if ya got any questions for the Marshal, tell 'em 'ere Becket boy. I'll get 'em his way for ya,'" Raleigh told her, changing the pitch of his voice to impersonate Tendo. Mako smiled at his impression, obviously amused.

"He could be busy," Mako offered, though Raleigh knew she wasn't convinced with her answer either.

"I mean he could–"

"EXCUSE ME!" A shrill voice called from behind a trolley of equipment. Raleigh grabbed Mako by the arm and pulled her towards him as the trolley wheeled past them. Raleigh shook his head as it disappeared around the corner and turned back to face Mako, tilting his head to the right a bit.

"Anyways, as I was saying, he might be busy. But I don't think overseeing research would take up this much of his time. We haven't talked to him in almost half a year and if he hasn't talked to us, that means he probably hasn't been talking to anyone else except for Tendo. I just think that's weird," Raleigh explained. Mako gave a curt nod and pursed her lips.

"Have you tried looking for him?" She asked.

"I try every time I come back."

"And you have not seen him in person?"

"No," Raleigh said.

"Maybe he's avoiding you," Mako said in a tone that suggested she was joking. Raleigh smiled. He was at ease in that moment despite the topic of their conversation; it felt good for him and Mako to have a real conversation that didn't end up being about kaiju or Jaegers or the war.

"That is a possibility. I'll try looking for him later. I just want to know if he's okay, you know?" Raleigh told her in a serious tone.

"I know," Mako agreed. "You should rest first."

"I plan on it," Raleigh replied. He paused for a moment and smiled at her before saying, "It's nice seeing you again, Mako."

…

It was a quarter past dinnertime when Raleigh finally woke up. He had spent most of the time in bed tossing and turning, and felt as though he had slept ten minutes rather than an hour. Rolling out of bed, he ruffled his hair in attempt to smooth out the bedhead and grabbed a sweater off the rack. Playing ambassador with the UN often meant he would have to be in uniform which was a pain in his ass. Wearing his baggy clothes was something he always looked forward to when coming back to the Shatterdome, though it was one of the only things he anticipated upon returning. They also made him shave every day but that wasn't something he could complain about.

Out of habit, Raleigh reached up to rub his jaw and figured he could use a shave before dinner. After lacing up his heavy boots, he paced towards the sink and pulled open the cabinet door. Poking around the mess he left the last time he stayed at the dome, Raleigh tossed away old wrappers and rusted razors until it was empty. He pressed his lips together into a tight line and glanced once more at the clock. He thought dinner could wait; he wasn't feeling hungry at the moment anyways.  
Beneath the picture of him and Yancy, Raleigh pressed a finger to his brother's face before swiftly grabbing his wallet. The sound of his boots pounding against the metal stairs as he descended was the only thing that filled the empty halls. It'd been a while since Raleigh last visited the commissary and he couldn't quite remember where it was. He contemplated asking Mako though he could have guessed she had went off to dinner already. He sucked in a deep breath, headed down the hall, and took a left.

Finding the commissary proved to be a less troublesome endeavor than he thought, and the lack of a line put him in higher spirits. The counter was empty as Raleigh approached it and when he rapped the fence with his knuckle, he feared that the clerk had gone off to dinner as well.

"One minute!" A male voice called from the back of the room. Raleigh took a step back and stood with his hands behind his back. He glanced around and noticed a lone figure standing at the end of the commissary hall. The man was dressed in uniform, though from this distance, Raleigh was unable to identify his rank. He tried to count the stars on his shoulder, if he actually had any, but the man stood with a slouch. Raleigh leaned backwards to get a better look at what the man was examining but there was nothing he could see.

"All right, what can I get for you?" The commissary clerk asked. Raleigh's train of thought snapped as he turned to face the man.

"Oh, some razors and shaving cream," he told the man. "And a bar of soap, sorry." He added just as the man began to walk away. The clerk returned with his items and Raleigh handed him the first bill he pulled from his wallet.

The clerk began to gather the change from the cash register but Raleigh raised his hand.

"It's fine, I don't need it," he told him. The clerk gave him a generous smile and closed the cash register.

Tucking his items under his arm, Raleigh fumbled to put his wallet away just as the unknown man began walking towards the counter. As he came closer, Raleigh noticed the crispness of his suit and how clean cut the man's shave was though his eyes were rimmed with dark circles. Even from afar, Raleigh could tell right away that the man was functioning with little sleep given how heavy his steps were. It wasn't until they were an arms distance away that Raleigh finally recognized who it was.

"Marshal?" Raleigh said in complete disbelief. Herc didn't hear him though as he mindlessly continued to the counter. Raleigh furrowed his brow and approached the Marshal as the clerk reappeared.

"Marshal Hansen, what can I get you?" The clerk asked. Raleigh heard Herc give a sigh as he patted himself for his wallet.

"Another carton of–" He began, his voice quiet and raspy, before the clerk cut him off.

"Another carton already? You just bought one two days ago," the clerk commented, trying to be enthusiastic but it was ineffective. Herc stood there with a blank expression, waiting for the man to gather his items. Raleigh couldn't believe it.

The clerk returned from beneath the counter and handed a carton of cigarettes to Herc. Raleigh tried to remember if he had ever seen Herc smoke before. Half in his daze, he paid the clerk and began to walk away.

"Marshal? Hey, Marshal!" Raleigh called again, breaking into a jog to catch up to him. This time, his call went through and Herc turned half way to face him. He was even worse up close. Despite his well-kept appearance, Herc looked as though he had aged six years rather than six months. Raleigh noted the red lines that broke in the white of his eyes, the intensity of which was strengthened by a lack of gleam. It seemed as though Herc was looking past him rather than at him. His red hair was also overshadowed by the new grey that came in patches all along his head. This couldn't have been Herc.

"Raleigh," Herc said after a long while of silence, like he needed more time to form the name in his mouth. His voice was a quiet hum and came out strained.

"Sir, are you, uh, are you okay?" Raleigh asked, regretting it as the words left his mouth. His mother taught him better than to ask if somebody was okay, implying that they didn't look okay. Herc took in another deep breath and Raleigh noticed that his smile didn't reach his eyes.

"I'm fine. I've just had a lot of work to do. It's good to see you again, mate," he replied, intending to end the conversation. Raleigh resisted the urge to shake his head and insist that he was in fact _not_ fine but controlled himself.

"Had dinner yet?" Raleigh pressed on. Herc stiffened at the question though turned around to face him completely.

"I haven't."

"You wanna get something to eat?" Raleigh asked. Herc looked as if he were going to sigh again.

"I dunno, I've got a lot—"

"Oh, come on, Marshal. It's been a while; we should catch up," Raleigh tried, giving Herc a charming smile. At that, he did sigh though right after he nodded his head in agreement.

"You're right," he allowed. Raleigh's smile widened and he turned towards the cafeteria.

"No, mate, let's eat in my office. I'll," he paused, as though to catch his breath, "I'll have them send us up some food." Raleigh didn't like the sound of that but he made no protest.

"Your call, Sir."

…

The dining table was situated in a corner of Herc's spotless office. Raleigh quietly inspected the room and found nothing out of place; the books on the shelves were placed neatly in order of height, papers were stacked precisely on the desk, and even the sheets of his bed was free of any creases. It was as though the bed had been untouched in several months.

As he heard Herc's footsteps reenter the room, Raleigh returned to face the chair opposite to him. Their trays of food had been brought up a few minutes ago and the steam still raised towards the ceiling, though Herc had gone off to retrieve a cup of coffee.

"You sure you don't want anything else to drink?" Herc asked quietly as he sat down. Raleigh shook his head.

"I'm fine, thanks," he insisted, picking up his fork. Herc took a sip from his cup and stared down blankly at his food, almost hesitant to begin eating. The only noise that followed was Raleigh's chewing and Herc's shallow breathing. The silence with Herc was nearly as bad as it was with Mako.

"What've you been up to?" Raleigh asked between chews. Herc looked up at him for a moment before returning his gaze to the tray of untouched food. Raleigh was almost sure he wasn't going to answer.

"The research, you know, and some meetings," he replied sluggishly, finally taking the fork from his tray. Herc pushed his food around instead of eating though, like he was looking for something within it. It grew quiet again.

Raleigh tried not to stare at Herc as he continued to switch between poking at his food and taking sips of coffee. He wasn't sure if anything he thought to say would come out as rude or overbearing, so he chose to keep quiet. As Raleigh finished eating and wiped his mouth with a napkin, Herc pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He absentmindedly placed one in between his lips and fumbled with the lighter he produced from his pocket. As he lit the cigarette, his eyes met Raleigh's and he suddenly realized what he was doing.

"Sorry mate, do you mind?" Herc asked apologetically but with no intent of putting it out. Raleigh was suddenly hit with a bittersweet nostalgia of his mother as the smoke wafted towards him.

"Go ahead," Raleigh said quietly with a weak smile. Herc looked off to the side abashed; he took a long drag and released the smoke through a deep sigh. It was the most emotion Raleigh saw from him thus far.

"Saw your interview on the news the other day," Herc mumbled as he gently tapped the ashes into an empty crevice on the tray. Raleigh was alert, grinning at his attempt to revive the conversation.

"Wasn't much of an interview, really," Raleigh admitted, allowing a small chuckle. "The news reports weren't so bad in the beginning, but when they started calling me the hero of the war I felt like I had to step in. It wasn't fair to Mako, who honestly did the most work," Raleigh paused to glance at Herc to confirm that he was listening.

"And the fact that they didn't even mention Marshal Pentecost or Chuck was incredibly disrespect—_oh_," his voice faded as he realized what he said. Neither of them moved at the mention of Chuck and Raleigh felt his heart sink in his chest. Herc's face gave no apparent emotion though Raleigh was certain bringing up Chuck had put the poor man into an even more horrible mood than before. In fact, it began to dawn on Raleigh that that must have been the reason for Herc's behavior. All of a sudden, everything made sense.

"Marshal, look… I'm—" Raleigh tried, though he was unable to form a coherent apology. Herc stared off at the ground, the ashes from his cigarette sprinkling to the floor. Raleigh cursed his inability to articulate his empathy. Crushing the half smoked cigarette into the makeshift ashtray, Herc pulled out another cigarette. They fell into a thick silence.

Herc stared off at god knows what while Raleigh contemplated ways to express his understanding. Images of his mother flooded his head incessantly, her singing resonating as soft background music. He hadn't even noticed he had begun to whistle one of her favorite songs – the one that Jazmine hated the most and would leave the room upon hearing – until he felt Herc's eyes fall upon him.

"What song is that?" He asked.

"Oh, it's uh, it's called '_Ne Me Quitte Pas'_," Raleigh replied. His mother would have laughed at how awful his accent had become. "It's an old French song my mom used to sing."

"She doesn't anymore?" A sad smile spread across Raleigh's lips.

"It was the last song she sang before she died," he in a small voice.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. She's been gone a while, but thank you, Sir," he replied. Herc sighed another cloud of smoke from his lungs into the air and reached to flick the ashes onto the tray.

"How'd she die?" Herc inquired. Raleigh fixed his gaze onto the cigarette.

"Lung cancer, from habitual smoking," he said automatically, remembering the way the doctor had said it. Herc paused his movement and was hesitant for a moment before crushing the cigarette into the pile of ashes while Raleigh watched, horrified.

"Shit, sorry. _Sir_, I'm sorry. I didn't mean— it wasn't, _god_," Raleigh stammered. He chest grew heavy with guilt in that moment despite the fact it seemed as though Herc wasn't offended at all. Raleigh watched his face for any change in emotion but there was none; instead, Herc looked past him with an intense gaze. After a few seconds, he stood up and Raleigh knew he was going to get it for sure now.

"I've got to feed Max," Herc said more to himself. He almost choked.

"Sir?"

"Can you let yourself out?" Herc asked. His voice gave no hint of malice. Raleigh was unsure of whether or not the Marshal was angry with him, but rather than press on the matter, he stood up and gathered his things. As Raleigh walked towards the exit, Herc began heading to the door beside his desk but stopped halfway. He looked over his shoulder and gave him a sincere smile.

"It was nice talking to you, Raleigh. It really was," Herc mumbled, his eyes crinkling a bit as he smiled. Raleigh wanted to believe the sincerity in his words but it was difficult given the present situation. He nodded once at Herc and was almost out the door when the sound of continuous barking filled the room. Raleigh looked over his shoulder and watched as Max trotted into the room. The bull dog stood up onto his hind legs and stretched towards Herc, leaning against his shins. Herc rubbed him behind the ears and bent down so that they were at eye level.

"Don't worry, boy. I didn't forget about you."

…

Raleigh had been pacing the distance between his room and Mako's for minutes before finally climbing the steps. He tapped the metal door with his knuckles and listened for her footsteps. The door opened with a click and he met her eyes.

"Sorry, were you busy?" Raleigh asked.

"I was just doing a bit of reading."

"Can I come in?" She stepped to the side and held her arm out as an invitation. As he made his way to the middle of her room, Mako pushed the door closed and pulled the chair from her desk towards Raleigh's direction. He took it from her hands and sat down while she returned to her seat on the bed.

"So, what happened?" Mako asked. There was an electricity that reverberated between them, a feeling Raleigh felt often when they sat in proximity. There was no other way to explain the sensation, the perception of drift compatibility, but he knew whatever it was he was feeling, Mako felt as well.

"I ran into the Marshal and we ate dinner up in his office," Raleigh told her. She raised an eyebrow at him and leaned forward a bit.

"Is he okay?" She inquired.

"He looks like a mess. I can't even describe it; you've just got to see him yourself. How could you have not seen him while you were here?" Raleigh asked. Mako shrugged and pressed her palms into the mattress.

"I never ran into him. I always assumed he was just busy," she told him. "Is he really that bad?"

"God, it's like he hasn't slept in ages. He didn't eat his food, he stared off at the wall a lot, and he smoked–"

"He _smoked_?"

"Yeah. He didn't smoke before, right?" Raleigh asked.

"Right," she confirmed. He sighed, leaning back into the chair. They sat in silence until Raleigh caught her eyes. It was as though they thought the same thing in that moment.

"It's obvious why he's like this," Raleigh began. Mako nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"He's still thinking about Chuck—_god, _Mako, I made such an ass out of myself. I mentioned Chuck and I swear he stopped breathing then I tried to apologize but I didn't know how to," Raleigh confided. He had stood up between sentences and was pacing the room as he continued.

"I knew what I wanted to say to him, because I've been through it too, you know? I lost my mom, and Yancy; I lost _Yancy_ and I know what it's like but I couldn't—I couldn't come up with the words and I was _afraid_ I'd say something wrong again and make things worse.

"And I did end up making it worse because I told him about my mom and what killed her, _while he was smoking the cigarette_, and then he just put it out and told me I could let myself out," Raleigh paused to glance at Mako. She said nothing.

"I wish I knew how to tell him exactly that I know what he's going through and help him through it or something. What he's doing now is, how he's taking care of himself—it's like he's not even alive. I mean, he's alive, but he's just an empty husk who gives orders through Tendo and feeds Max and goes to meetings." Raleigh stopped to catch his breath. He took a seat again and leaned forward with his elbows digging into his thighs, hands clasped over his mouth. He held Mako's gaze and waited for her to say something.

"You could try drifting with him," she suggested after a while of silence. Raleigh's eyes widened and his jaw went slack.

"Mako. Mako!" He exclaimed. Mako smiled at his enthusiasm as he leaned forward and grinned at her.

"You never cease to amaze me, Mako."

…

"So, you're sure he's gonna let us use it?" Raleigh asked. It was the fifth time he had asked that morning. Mako stopped walking and turned to face him.

"Raleigh," He pressed his lips together. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes, of course. You know I do," he replied without hesitation.

"Then I am absolutely sure he will let us use it," she said before continuing her stride down the hallway.

"Just wanted to make sure," Raleigh said, his voice echoing off the empty halls. They walked in silence for a few more minutes before arriving at the entrance of the main K-Science laboratory. Since the end of the war, much of the Shatterdome had been converted into K-Science labs though Dr. Geiszler and Dr. Gottlieb continued to occupy the original.

Neither of them moved as they stared at the hallway leading in. Raleigh glanced at Mako and back at the hall.

"Do we just go in?" He asked. Mako looked at him once and then nodded, heading into the artificial lights first. Raleigh followed in suit. The room had the same smell of a middle school biology room on dissection day, though it was a lot messier. The glass cases that held old kaiju parts showcased them as prizes rather than specimen and boxes beside them were stacked tall. So much paper had been strewn about that the floor was barely visible. Raleigh treaded carefully among the papers in fear of stepping on something that could have been important. Nobody was in the room.

Raleigh and the two scientists rarely ever spoke. He and Dr. Geiszler had not seen each other for as long as Raleigh could recall but he had talked to Dr. Gottlieb once after the war. It was before his first meeting with the UN scientists; he gave Raleigh explicit instructions on how to display their information but of course Raleigh failed to do so accordingly. After that, Tendo began giving him simplified versions of their work to present. It was still too much for him to explain. He sometimes wondered if Mako had a harder time with the meetings, but always came to the same conclusion that she must have handled them with ease.

"Dr. Geiszler," Mako called out. They stood there waiting for a response but nothing came. They glanced at each other and Mako shrugged.

"Newt!" Raleigh yelled. The silence was interrupted by a loud bang followed by a shrill '_fuck'. _Newt appeared from beneath a lab table with one hand rubbing his head, the other pushing him off the ground. His hair was a mess and the colors that stained his shirt matched the tattoos that scaled his arms. He let out ragged coughs as he patted himself for his glasses, turning around to check the table and knocking a few boxes over in the process. When he finally found his glasses, he turned to face them and smiled wide.

"Miss Mori and Ra—RALEIGH!" Newt exclaimed, Raleigh pleasantly surprised by his excitement. Newt paused for a moment though, narrowing his eyes.

"Wait, can I call you Raleigh?" He asked with a scrunched up face.

"You can call me whatever you want, man," Raleigh replied. Newt gave a sigh of relief and put his hands on his hips.

"So, whaddya guys doing out here? What d'you need?" He asked in a casual tone.

"Uh, the Pons setup you made. If you guys still got it, we need it," Raleigh told him directly.

"The—the Pons. You need the _Pons_?" His eyes darted from Mako to Raleigh. "What do you guys need that hunk of garbage for? Last time I checked, we won the war and there isn't any real reason to drift with anything."

Raleigh stiffened at Newt's lightheartedness and mention of the war; he gave Mako a quick side glance to see if she reacted. She didn't.

"Look, you got it or not?" Raleigh pressed a bit more seriously now. Newt read his expression right away and glanced around a few times.

"Uh, yeah I think so just—just give me a minute. Hermann!" Newt squawked. There was a bit of shuffling that came from the backroom as Dr. Gottlieb appeared.

"What?" He barked. He hobbled towards them, pausing his glare directed at Newt to smile at them.

"We've got guests. Make yourself useful for once," Newt directed as he scampered around the lab. Hermann rolled his eyes and pushed some empty boxes aside with his cane to get closer to the two.

"Please forgive us for the mess. Newton hasn't slept in god knows how long and refuses to clean up until he finalizes his 'breakthrough' discovery," Hermann told them. Newt scoffed from across the room.

"God, shut up Hermann. I don't _refuse_ to clean up. I'm just too busy to focus on anything else," Newt replied on the defensive. Then began their routine squabble, which Raleigh found quite amusing for the first few minutes. It was until he met Mako's somber gaze that he knew they had to get back to business.

"Guys," he called out. Their voices fell as they turned to look at him. "The Pons?"

"Right, right, uh. Hermann, where did you put the Pons?"

"Where did _I _put the Pons? Like bloody hell if I've got any idea where it is," Hermann hissed. At that point Raleigh was convinced that neither of them knew where the device was and they wouldn't have been able to follow through with Mako's idea. They shared a glance and she shrugged. Raleigh sighed to himself and nodded towards the exit just before Newt gave a triumphant cry.

"Found it!" He hollered, dragging the thing out from behind the kaiju specimen. Raleigh was surprised at the sight of the device and followed Mako as she made her way towards where Newt stood. He didn't expect it to look this ugly. Although it was made from scrap, he had heard of its success with establishing a bridge between the two scientists and the kaiju. It didn't look very functional but he figured that if they were able to drift with a kaiju, it wouldn't have any problem creating a drift between two humans.

"Great, so does it still work? Looks pretty beat up," Raleigh commented.

"Yeah, uh, that's just how it looks. It should still work though, and I could fix up the probe if you're trying to drift with a whale or something," Newt told them, patting it affectionately. Raleigh gave him a humorless smile and picked up one of the helmets.

"That won't be necessary," Mako replied.

"'Kay, so you gonna tell me what you guys need this for or is it top secret?" Newt inquired, placing a hand on the milking machine. Raleigh placed the helmet back onto the cart and looked Newt straight in the eyes.

"You ever noticed how the Marshal's been lately?"

"Mmmyeah, the man's an absolute wreck. I'm surprised he even showers still. But so what? You're gonna drift with him?"  
"That's the plan," Raleigh said simply.

"Why? 'Cause, honestly, I don't think there's much he could gain from drifting with you. Not that you aren't a great guy or anything, but you know."

"There are some things you cannot express with words alone," Mako replied before Raleigh could. He watched as Newt looked over to where Hermann stood and after a moment of silence, he nodded in understanding.

"Okay, yeah. I can work with that," he responded.

"Does he know that you're going to do this?" Hermann asked.

"No."

"Then how are you going to get him out of his office? He rarely ever visits _us_ and I doubt he would be willing to come down just to drift with you," Hermann said. He did have a point. The four of them fell into a silence as they contemplated ways to work around that minor problem, until it finally came to Raleigh.

"Tell him you got urgent news for him," he suggested. "He's still gotta do his duty as Marshal." The two scientists thought about it amongst themselves but Mako beamed with approval; she must have been thinking the same thing.

"All right, we can do that. But what if the drift doesn't make him feel any better? What if it just makes him worse?" Newt asked. Raleigh leaned forward and clapped him on the shoulder.

"It might. But, you don't really know until you try."

…

Raleigh was surprised Herc had made haste to appear at the entrance of the lab despite his emotional state. The weariness that was etched into his face from the past six months had been defined with a newfound concern as he walked into the mess of the lab. Before he could ask anything, his tired eyes met Raleigh's and he became confused. Raleigh watched as Herc scanned their faces and the lab until he was fixed on the Pons.

"What's the meaning of this?" He asked, his voice gaining a sudden authoritative edge. Raleigh felt Mako squeeze his arm in support and it gave him a bit of comfort in that moment.

"Sir, I wanted to apologize for everything I said last night," Raleigh began humbly. Herc's face softened but the rest of his body remained rigid as if he were uncomfortable being in the presence of that many people. Contrary to his cool and confident demeanor, Raleigh's mind was racing. He was beginning to regret this and wasn't sure how the Marshal would respond to his request. Of course, Raleigh was aware that this whole situation had the potential to make the Marshal even worse than he already was but he had to follow his own advice.

"It's fine, Raleigh," Herc replied, "I didn't mind. If that's all you called me down here for—"

"Sir, I know I'm in no position to request anything of you," Raleigh interrupted with a firm voice. He was unable to read Herc's current emotion through his stare and that made him all the more nervous. He resisted the urge to reach deep within his pockets for a piece of candy at the moment. When Herc gave no response, Raleigh sucked in a deep breath and took a step forward.

"Sir, I want to initiate a drift with you," he said. "We share very similar experiences and there are—there are things I want you to know that I understand but can't explain with words or actions. I'm willing to face any consequences you feel are necessary if I've shown any disrespect," Raleigh told him earnestly.  
Herc looked even more tired after Raleigh's rambling, his mouth parted as if he were going to say something. He closed his mouth and gave a pained look to the Mako, Newt, and Hermann who all stood at attention behind Raleigh. A moment of silence passed before Herc shook his head. Raleigh felt the defeat coming on.

"At ease," Herc finally mumbled. A feeling of relief washed over them like a wave and Raleigh looked over his shoulder to give Mako a quick celebratory smile. Raleigh had been sure Herc would have rejected the offer given that nobody would want to dredge in their memories especially in his state, but he considered this a victory. He hoped that the rest of their plan would go as smoothly.

"Might as well. I've got nothing else to lose," Herc said in a voice so quiet Raleigh wasn't sure if the others had heard. He followed the Marshal to where Newt had assembled the makeshift Pons system; two office chairs faced each other with the skeletal helmets hanging on the back of either chair. Hermann had taken a seat at the computer to monitor their drift sequence while Mako stood beside him.

Raleigh had stopped praying to God when his mother died and began giving his small prayers to her instead; at this moment though, he prayed to both of them that this was the right thing to do.

Newt attached a helmet to Herc first, whose eyes seemed more alert than they've been before. His face was blank, however, and it was difficult for Raleigh to imagine what was going on in his head. He'd learn soon enough. Newt came around to attach the helmet, nostalgia sweeping over him like a breeze. Raleigh sat with his legs apart, hands on his knees and gave one last look to Mako; he wasn't sure what it'd be like to drift with someone that wasn't her or Yancy. She nodded her head with reassurance and he gave one nod back. If she believed he could do it, it was enough for him to follow through.

"Are you two ready?" Hermann asked. Raleigh looked at Herc who gave a weak nod.

"Ready."

"Initiating the drift sequence in three, two, one…" Hermann's voice trailed off as they were sucked into the drift space—

_Raleigh shut up, Jazmine punched his arm and then she disappeared_

_Their mother's grave looked so bare_

_Raleigh, boys don't cry—what a stupid thing to say, how could you not cry dad, mom's gone_

_He heard his mother's singing and then it turned into the sound of a woman's laughter that was unfamiliar to him, a redheaded woman wearing a pearl necklace who had a beautiful smile and smelled like flowers and the sea_

_She had an accent—Australian, maybe British_

_Herc, Herc, be a dear and check on Chuck, there was a baby's cry and he was at the ocean, waves crashing against the coast then it was quiet it was so quiet then there was a pitter-patter_

_He saw Mako in the rain, Mako's smile, Mako holding him tight while they floated in the salty waters_

_He felt a sudden rush of elation and then it was gone but it came again and there he was with Yancy and Jaz as their father walked away from mom's grave_

_Dad_

_Dad_

_DAD_

_What do you mean mum's gone where'd she go dad_

_He felt useless, so useless, and then he was angry at himself, angry at the world_

_Raleigh listen to me— then it was silent and there was the laughter again the laughter of a woman and of a small boy, it sounded like him and his mom but it wasn't his mom because his mom always laughed with a cough and then he was on top of a hill_

_Dad_

_Hurry up dad_

_Look at what I got you Chuck, we can call him Max, it was your mum's idea and there was Max all of a sudden a small thing so excited_

_There was a man on the floor and he felt dizzy and he tasted blood in his mouth—Hansen, back again I see, can't stay out of fights_

_No, his heart was racing at the sight of the gorgeous nurse and he was ready to give everything up if it meant she'd smile forever_

_There were airplanes in the sky and a man dressed in uniform kissed the nurse, he felt happy again so happy until they were in Hong Kong Bay_

_NO DON'T DISENGAGE—he felt angry and sad and tired so tired like he wasn't sleeping enough and he saw a man jump out of bed yelling Angela! Angela… and then CHUCK! Chuck… then the bed was empty and untouched_

_Yancy… YANCY… he was in a hospital bed hooked up to so many wires where was Yancy he felt alone and scared and where was Yancy, God, where was Yancy_

_There was still a ringing in his ear—_

Raleigh was snapped out of the drift as hard as he went in, the sound of the helmet colliding with the ground bringing him back to reality. He was disoriented for a moment and it was difficult to stand but he heard Newt call after the Marshal.  
_  
_ He hit the button on top of his head and disconnected with the Pons, leaning against one of the tables to steady himself.

"Raleigh?" Mako called to him worriedly but he raised his free hand to indicate he was fine. It'd been six months and he was drifting with someone new; he was going to feel out of balance.

After he regained his composure, Raleigh jogged out to the hallway fully expecting the Marshal to be long gone, but he was still there. Herc stood with his back to the entrance of the hall, silent.

"Marshal?" Raleigh said. There was nothing, not even the sound of his breathing. God, this was a mistake, he thought to himself.

"That should've been Chuck in the hospital," Herc finally said, his voice breathy and threatening the fall of tears. Raleigh knew what he was referring to. Herc turned around to face him and his eyes were raw.

"We were supposed to die together in Striker. We were supposed to die _together _and end this. For his mother. For my wife, my beautiful wife.  
When the first kaiju hit San Francisco, she—she told me, 'Herc, if that happens again and it comes for us, whatever you do, you have to save Chuck,' and I used to laugh. God, I used to laugh. I told her I'd be able to save the both of them but she made me promise anyways," Herc paused, looking at Raleigh. He said nothing. Herc glanced off at the wall, shaking his head.

"There was no body to bury but when I visited her grave, I told her, 'I did it. I saved him, An, I saved our boy.' But I didn't know what to do. It was hard without her, it was so hard. I didn't know how to raise our son without her. Chuck hated me for choosing him over her, but what was I supposed to do? She would've never forgiven me if I chose her over our son. But he hated me. The boy had his mother's smile but after she died, that smile died with it," he said in a brittle voice. A hurricane of anger and anguish rattled in his eyes, feelings that Raleigh was able to feel even after the drift was broken. Herc's emotions were so strong and they had resonated with the ones Raleigh had long left behind.

"It should've been me that died that day. My son should still be alive and I should be dead. But I'm not. What man outlives his wife and his son? I failed her. I failed her. I promised to protect him, but he's gone and it's my fault—"

"Marshal, no," Raleigh said, taking a step forward. "It's not your fault."

"But it is!" Herc shouted, choking on a sob. "I made the decision to disengage and we couldn't go in together because I broke my arm. It was my fault he died. _My fault_!"

"He died a hero—"

"This is _not _about being heroic," Herc said through clenched teeth. "We beat the monsters. We won the war, aye, but at what cost? The loss of a wife? A best friend? A _son_? We might've won the war but I lost, mate. I lost _everything_." Herc's expression was beyond pained, his eyebrows pulled together in grief. His face was wet with tears that trickled in silence and his fists were clenched so tight it was a surprise he hadn't broken skin.

Neither of them said anything and the sound of Herc's ragged breathing filled the space. Raleigh was thinking of Yancy and their last run together. It had been his idea to go after the boat and he lost a brother because of that. He wore his brother's death on his skin and carried his fear with him in the back of his mind. Raleigh shook his head, scattering the memories; he missed Yancy but he was not going to begin blaming himself again. Not now.

"We make decisions, Marshal," he began in a low voice, "and sometimes they aren't good ones. But we never really know if they'll be good or bad; we just think they're the right ones to make in the moment. That's what makes us human. You can't blame yourself for doing what you thought was right in the moment and you can't blame yourself for the consequences that follow.

You and I both know it doesn't get any easier. It never does. And it's even harder when it's someone you've drifted with. But you can't cut yourself out of life because of it," he told Herc, remembering all the times he isolated himself after Yancy's death.

"They wouldn't want you to do that to yourself, Sir," Raleigh told him, "and those of us who are still alive don't want you to either."

Herc stared at him, mouth agape. He was heaving as though to keep the sobs within him from escaping, but the few tears that fell had left stains on his uniform. He had long released his fists but they still shook with tension. He broke off the stare and sniffled, rubbing his nose with his knuckles.

"I've got—I've got to feed Max," he said in a thick voice as he walked away. Raleigh watched Herc as he rounded the corner and disappeared; he hadn't noticed he was holding his breath. He rubbed the nape of his neck and turned around to head back into the lab but instead he saw Mako. She didn't even have to ask if everything was all right because her face alone did as much.

Raleigh shook his head in response to her silent question and ran his fingers through his hair. The both of them sighed, defeated.

…

Two weeks crept past Raleigh with the consistency of molasses on a winter's day. There wasn't much else he could do to pass the time at the Shatterdome so he was often found in labs helping scientists assemble the larger pieces of equipment. Fifteen minutes before it was time for lunch, Mako was at the door of the lab; he felt her presence before he even saw her.

They had developed a routine that allowed them to spend more time with each other, and grow comfortable with their conversations again. In the mornings, Raleigh would meet her at the foot of her steps (he was always up before she was, despite her efforts in trying to beat him), and they would head off to breakfast. After that, they parted ways; Raleigh to the labs while Mako worked with the remaining Mark-III Jaeger restoration team. It was what she had been spending much of her time working on whenever she was at the Shatterdome. Her scheduled meetings with the UN were to discuss the progress rather than large-scale science projects.

Raleigh himself had just found out that the UN were continuing funding for the restoration of two Jaegers, in case the kaiju do make a return—an eminent secret Mako confided to him. "Vulcan Spector and Matador Fury," she had whispered to him, "Mark-III's from Australia and Mexico. We plan on pulling them out of the Bay in October."

He was surprised that the UN had acquiesced to continue the funding given their stance on the Jaeger Program but Mako had told him she heard it was allegedly the Marshal who convinced them. The public was often whispering of the return of kaiju, and while the UN were adamant in putting the war behind them, Dr. Geiszler and Dr. Gottlieb always reminded them of a possible reoccurrence. He wasn't sure if he believed it was the Marshal who persuaded them or the constant mutterings of the public that truly swayed them, but regardless, Raleigh knew they made the right decision.

Wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand, Raleigh gathered his things and headed towards where Mako stood. She greeted him with a quick smile and he responded with a quick raise of his eyebrows. They headed out of the lab in silence.

They didn't speak of his drift with the Marshal, though Raleigh knew Mako thought of it as often as he did. A relentless sense of failure loomed over his head, a feeling of loss because he thought he didn't try hard enough. He counted on Herc to pull himself out of his grief, but Raleigh knew it would take a long time for him after witnessing how long it took him to move on from the loss of his wife. He just hoped that his words and memories were enough to console him, even if it were only a little.

They turned a corner and walked several more steps until they were at his room so that he could get a clean sweater. Mako stood at the foot of the steps, watching as Raleigh disappeared into his room and returned within a minute. He ruffled his hair and before he could have taken another step, the automated female voice came over the PA.

"Raleigh Becket, to Marshal Hansen's office. Raleigh Becket, to Marshal Hansen's office," she said twice in her monotonous tone. He turned and furrowed his brow at Mako who in return shrugged. He didn't have the slightest idea of what the Marshal would want _now.  
_  
"Do you want me to wait for you?" She asked. Raleigh shook his head and climbed down the stairs.

"It's fine. You go ahead. I'll come by your room later," he told her and she nodded. They shared one last look before heading off in opposite directions.

…

Raleigh leaned forward to knock on the door and then returned to standing at attention. He tried to think of why the Marshal decided to talk to him now but his train of thought was interrupted by Herc's heavy footsteps. Was he in trouble? He did recall offering to take up any punishments if he had shown disrespect, though it seemed rather late for that now.

The door opened slowly and there was Herc.

"Raleigh! Just the man I was looking for. Hope you don't mind, mate, but I got us lunch. Mind eating with me?" He asked. His voice was beginning to regain the hearty sound he remembered from first arriving to the Shatterdome. A soft shine in his eyes was highlighted by the artificial lights and the dark circles beneath them were beginning to fade. Raleigh couldn't hold back his grin.

"Not at all, Sir," he replied. Herc's eyes crinkled as he smiled and stood back from the door so Raleigh could enter. He seemed very well-rested now; his messy bed in the corner confirming that notion. At the small dining table was two trays of hot food accompanied by two glasses of water. His desk was cluttered and it looked as though he had hung up a new corkboard plastered with blueprints behind the office chair. Raleigh glanced around as he walked toward the table.

"Where's Max?" He asked.

"He's out on the balcony. It's a bit sunny today and the old dog misses the Aussie sunshine. Thought I'd let him sit out there a while," Herc replied, taking a seat across Raleigh. Herc took a gulp of water before picking up the fork off his tray and began eating. Raleigh finally started touching his food after watching the Marshal take a few more bites from his tray. They ate in a comfortable silence until Raleigh reached for his napkin to wipe his mouth.

"Balcony, huh? I didn't know they would make those out here," Raleigh commented. Herc smiled and raised his eyebrows.

"Didn't either. Guess I'm just moving up in the world." Raleigh smiled at that. They fell into another period of stillness, the only sounds present were the howling wind outside and their chewing.

"How old is Max?" Raleigh asked, keen on continuing their conversation. Herc paused his eating with his eyes looking up as he tried remembering.

"Almost twelve, I reckon," he replied, a grin breaking across his face. "It's a funny story, actually. Didn't really like the idea of getting a dog, you know; it's an extra mouth to feed, they're loud, and sometimes they smell. But Angela insisted. Said it'd be a good learning experience for Chuck—teach him how to take care of things and be more responsible," Herc told him, his voice tinged with a sad sort of nostalgia as he glanced off to the side. The smile still sat on his lips though, as if he was recognizing them as happy memories rather than ones to be bitter about. Raleigh nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"She kept telling me, 'Herc, get him a dog. Boy's almost ten years old, it'll make him want to go outside more,'" Herc said, pausing to laugh as he thought about it. He continued on with the story, telling it more to himself and chuckling every so often. Raleigh listened carefully, nodding and smiling when Herc laughed; it was good to see him like this.

As Herc went on, Raleigh looked away for a moment when something caught his eye. Beside the Marshal's desk was a trashcan filled completely with cigarette cartons. The sight sent chills down his spine, similar to the feeling of when his mother would rub his back as a child. He smiled wide and returned his attention back to Herc.


End file.
